bumblebees

the rumbling school bus approached the rutted road cautiously
a splash arose, purple in color
droplets flew around an morphed into bumblebees,
buzzing into the sky, escaping their limits into
periwinkle moths, flapping lightly towards the sky-
a cloud raining clear, blue, purple droplets
onto the flat windshield of a school bus
with a squat man
gesticulating with a stump of an arm
a man, prejudiced against food coloring

december

its been awhile

how have you been?
good i hope
i do worry

im scared to write in this now
but here i go--in order to overcome your fear, one must face it head on
i think

im tired
no, not just tired, overwhelmed
i want to know about college
i want to take a break
i want to not be failing art
i want to not feel like im letting everyone down

i want last year back
but, i can only move forward.

so long and thanks for all the fish

its time for me to move on
go some where else and get away from everything

i dont think i've ever felt this alone
it might be because im grounded and haven't seen anyone for quite some time
but maybe i really just need to go

i got furious at my mom today because i came home and she had put a rug in my room and a bedside table

normally, i would have tried to deal with the fact that she changed my space and simply asked her to move it
but in this instance, she asked me multiple times if i wanted a rug, or a bedside table--each time i replied "no, thanks, i dont want too much cluttering up my room"
and yet--i came home from mydad's house and there's a rug and a table
i desperately hope that i wasn't just mad that she changed my room with out asking
because i haven't been this angry in a long time
i really want this to be a manifestation of some other thing im angry about--but there are very few things to blame it on
the thing is, i think i really was that upset about the change

im ready to move on and get away from things like this because i can step back and know that it is a stupid thing to get upset about, but im upset anyway, even as i type this,
i want to move on so that i stop burdening others with my issues, stop causing problems in my family, and stop making myself feel like crap

stuck

sometimes im afraid that i may be slightly crazy--not in the way that most people are, not just odd, but seriously insane
well, thats a bit of a hyperbole
i dont think im insane, but i wonder sometimes about my mental stability

the further into this year i get, the deeper i get stuck in my head, and sometimes its hard to extract myself and communicate with others
today, i was taking ronni home
and i completely forgot she was in the car

its not a terrible thing but its weird

good morning

i felt like this awhile ago,
i might feel this way tomorrow or next week, or tonight
but right now i feel above it

http://grouphug.us/confessions/217002084

i didn't go to bed until 5 this morning, im pretty tired

nealeveronica

i love you guys

happy thanksgiving

the awarding of appreciation

i am thankful for you, that there is someone out there who will read other people's blogs, regardless of the inanity

i am appreciative of people

elizabeth, ronni, mat, mostly

andrea, yes, and do you know..i am thankful for allyn

and rafe

i have, as of late, come to a general sense of peace, i think i may have already talked about it

but im quite proud of myself

yes, i still fight with my mom, i still get mad at charlotte, i still argue with benjamin, i still secretly want to hit my father in the face

i still have all my flaws

i still argue, but im better at keeping some of my arguments inside and keeping my mouth shut

i still bottle my feelings, but i analyze them now, they're still inside mostly, but i know they are there and i accept them

i still talk too much, im still scared to hear what other people have to say

im still horrible with change

i still do all these things, but, i think, in a less ddramatice, more moderate kind of way

and all to all those people mentioned above--

i thank you

and owe you

im thankful that im provided for, that i have way more than enough

im thankful that i can walk, see, feel, hear

im thankful for the leftover uncle poons i just ate

im thankful that my room has two windows that face the sunrise

im calm right now

im writing an essay about the death penalty

but thats not what im thinking about

im thinking about life maybe--life after high school
well, life even in high school
when i go away--what if i can't do it
what if i dont go to class what if i dont learn how to study properlywhat if i dont do my homework
what if
my mom is right and im not mature enough to go college and i dont deserve the opportunity because of my immaturity

i like to think im fairly mature
maybe not in the sensible ways she would like for me to be
i know i dont do my homework
i know i forget my dentist appoinment or go on the wrong days
i know i sit a red lights for fifteen minutes to watch a train go by, even though i have things im late for
but i can listen to people
i can be there for them
i know how to love others as much as i love myself, if not more
i know how to see flaws and over look them
i know how to cook
i know how to do my own laundry
i know how to forgive
i know how to trust

but the question here is
what if thats not there right kind of maturity?

im supposed to get a job
i dont care about getting one --i need one probably to teach me about the things i lack in my personality
what i care is that im scared if i get a job i dont like, then i wont do my best and then everyone will get mad /disappointed at me
disapointment is the worst
i would rather anyone be mad at me rather than disappointed in me
I would rather be mad at anyone than be dissapointed in them

rain

i can't remember my thought that i had

i know that it is raining
and i know that i had the thought when i was getting my bookbag out of my car

i know that i started painting something cool today
and i hope it works out
i know that i probably wont ever finish this essay
and i know why
i wont ever finish it because its the most important thing in the world
thats a slight hyperbole
but its so important to me that im scared to do it
because if i mess it up
then i wont know what to do
i can't finish it because it matters to me
and my dad walks by and thinks im working on it but im typing this
oops

i know all of that
but i can't remember what it was i wanted to tell you

im ready for the yeare to be over
i want to get out of here soon
i might be suffocating

ps
some people need to mind their own business
especially self righteous bitches who have no business nosing in on my family
my little sister is not here for your gossiping pleasure
talk about my parents, my brother
talk about me!
leave her out of your twisted version of life and entertainment

character flaw?

i had a nice day today
i think i may have taken a few nice pictures and had a small adventure while attempting those pictures

but what i've been thinking recently is about expressing yourself
i find that those who express themselves are simply trying to find their "identity" to quote the play we're studying in english
i also find that most people who are trying to find their "identity" clearly have no idea who they are--only a will to find that out
but they also tend to be the most creative people for all their efforts to find where they fit in
creative people are generally revered by society as having some gift-- is that gift their inability to define theirselves?
and is that necessarily a bad thing, not knowing who you are?
if it is then why doesn't everyone admire those who go quietly through life, not disturbing anyone because they are comfortable with themsleves enough not to need the spotlight that these creative people need?
uncertainty is considered a character flaw--the inability to make a decision, whether based ooon facts or feelings, is looked down upon for the most part
i dont want to come down on creative people--not in the least--i mostly consider myself to be fairly creative
or i try to--because the thing is
i am entirely unsure of my identity
and maybe the beauty of that uncertainty is that i try different things
that everyone who can't make that decision of who they are tries different things
that supposed character flaw is what gives the world its actors, actresses, dancers, sculptors, painters, pianists, cellists, street performers, and what have you

so i say thank you, uncertainty
you have kept me from a comfortable existance, a planned life, knowing who i am and what i want to do,
you make my life hell some days, you make alot of people lives hell every day
you've caused slit wrists, too many pills, abortions, zoloft, and anorexia

but i love you for
the frieda kahlos
the salvador dalis
the monets
the van goghs
the elliot smiths
the mozarts
the lord byrons
the dead manic depressive crazies that made/make the world a prettier place


i. love. you.

i think

dont get sentimental

i am in some trouble
i got caught skipping school again

im not sorry i did it, i would definately do it again

but i have some apologies to make anyway

momma:
im sorry i seem to have let you down so much, im sorry that i'm not the child you had hoped for
i know its a hard realization to come to when you realize that someone is not who you wanted them to be
and you seem to be struggling with it especially
i want you to know that i tried, i wanted to be who you wanted me to be
but one day it stopped being all about you-- i realized how tiring and consuming it was for me to be some one besides me
i know you had plans for your petite blond, blue-eyed debutante; but the thing is
i can't be you all over again
im not a cheerleader, not a lifeguard, not a homecoming queen, not a beauty pageant winner

i can only be marianna rebecca not florence marianna
and marianna rebecca skips school sometimes because , not only does she not care about any of her "real" classes, but her grades can take it because she's intelligent enough to keep up
marianna rebecca draws and paints, and takes pictures
she hangs out on parking garages, she wants to go to art school, she gives away 5 dozen doughnuts on certain sundays, she gets hangovers, she's trying to learn to play the guitar, she doesn't always clean her room, she doesn't want to tell you everything about her life-her friends, her thoughts
just because she doesn't trust you with the interpretation of them--you are far to bitter to understand that not everything stems from her father

but she does love you, and wants you to be happy with her

daddy:

for a long time i called myself a "daddy's girl"
im sorry that i dont anymore
im sorry that my skipping school had to interrupt your vacation with christine and make your smoke clouded brain remember that you do really have a family, even on the weeks that we dont live with you
im sorry that this time you couldn't buy a new marianna because the one you have doesn't work properly
and im sorry i didn't call you to ask to skip
but lets be reasonable--what difference would it have made? i still would have been caught

and what would you have told momma? "nonono marianna, its ok, i told her she could"
thats intelligent.
im sorry that you think im weird and you dont like my friends

im sorry that i realized why you liked my other friends better--
even though i was in a drug/alcohol induced stupor, you knew where i was when i was with them--and that gave you a sense of control/safety i suppose
with the friends i have now--you dont always know where i am
or what i am doing
you have to live with the fear that someone you know might see you daughter giving away free doughnuts
or dancing on a parking garage
you can't understand how much better it is for me to be out living a life
i've never been quite this at peace with myself
and im sorry you can't see that or dont want to see that

halloween

it just occured to me what exactly i was doing at this time last year.
i was sitting at my computer doing the exact same thing, writing an english essay

but its funny exactly how much has changed
then: i was at my mom's house, in the basement
now: im at my dad's house in my room

thats not even close to representing what else has changed--
halloween one year ago i managed to get my brother's girlfriend completely smashed
sneak a guy into the house,
piss my brother off for the aformentioned smashed girlfriend
and have that girlfreind hit on my snuck-in guy

all that has changed a good bit
now i dont drink anymore, i had to make that decision, it became more of a stupid cop out and a way of escaping my everyday life without dealing with my issues
now i hardly speak with kelley, because i grew tired of dealing with her shit--not that i care for her anyless, i just dont want to deal with the melodramatics anymore
in the year thats passed i managed to go from being almost best friends with that guy to completely alienating him to him completely alienating me
i've managed to get in a fairly serious relationship, and have that end
i've managed to lose to majority of the friends i had this time a year ago
its sad and i miss them and all the fun times i had with them
but the thing is
i dont think i've ever known myself quite as well,
i've never had quite the understanding of things as i do now
i feel in some ways more childish than i did then
but in many others i feel, if not more mature, more understanding
i've finally learned what it is to sit back and figure things out, and attempt to accept them without the anger and frustration that i think would have met my issues a year ago
it took a long time to get to this point and i think, no, i know i have a long long way to go
but as hard as this past year may have been for me
its been good i've learned--
i've learned more about others
i've learned more about the human brain
i've learned the best ways to cook pizza rolls and easy mac
i've learned more about religion
i've learned more about dreams, those real and imagined
i've learned nore about appearences
i've learned more about what being friends is
and
ultimately
learned more about myself and the world around me
im glad

mmmwriter's block

damn you hamlet
and your cynical view of humankind

and damn you gilmore girls
and your sarcastic entertainment that easily lures me away from my essay

why must we have an essay to write on halloween?
at least i have the reese's cups that are left over to keep me company

Carter, USM

Carter, Unstoppable Sex Machine was this band that my step-aunt's boyfriend/husband type person was in
her name is chrissy and his name is les
i like them alot
i didn't realize that les had achieved any sort of fame... but here it is, apparently he did


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carter_USM

AND, apparently this is the song that the rolling stones sued Carter USM about
i think i remember chrissy telling me that the lawsuit was settled ridiculously, because noone in either band wanted to deal with it

college

i have to finish applying to my colleges within the next couple of days


i really want to go to scad
my mom does not approve
in the least
its kind of tiring having to constantly defend my aspirations/dreams, only to be met with disapproval or the "you won't succeed" attitude

im scared she's right and i can't do it
im scared to go to college, which is why i keep putting off the whole applying deal

life is just a little intimidating


but i will do it, apply, and then, veronica im going to make you some fudge

i dont know how i will get it to you, my car says "empty"

danger

something is wrong with my dog

he has a pinched nerve in his spine, but they said it would be better by now

its not
im worried about him

remote

what is it exactly in someone that makes them capable of such hate that they want to kill?
and where do they find the strength of mind to act on it?

why am i not afraid of you?
why shouldn't i be, we know you are capable, and willing to act

but, then, why shoud i be?
what are you going to do? and when? and where? with what?
whats the worst that could happen to me?

what if you could just stay away from my friends?
that would be nice


in the end, there's no way i can know what you're going to do or not do
i can only say, maybe, you should learn to move on with life, rather than focusing entirely on one thing
it helps

m

i know this is very long
but i watched v for vendetta last night, and i think this is a good scene

i daresay...it moved me

i hate you

hate has turned into such a generalized term,
"oooh i hate that color"
"god, i hate her soooooo much"
"ewww i hate broccoli"
"i hate morning"
"i hate the fall"
"i hate you"
its now used in such a way so as to applyto anything anyone may even mildly dislike/
i'll admit, i do it too, if im in a bad mood i hate everybody. even my best friend. i hate bagels sometimes, i hate my hair, my nose, my whatever.
at any given point, everyone thinks they hate alot of things, and they will tell you who, and what they hate,
but in reality, i think, the majority of those feelings aren't actually hate, just dislike, disgust,exhaustion, contempt,bad mood, or what have you
and sometime you really want to hate something or someone, but you can't
i think i should remember that,because wanting to hate, and not being able to proves that
humans as a rule don't hate easily, but we're all in a habit of pretending we do

sleep on it

there's this big hole in the middle of everyone's lives
some wander closer to it than others,
some dont even ever see it its hard to decide which i am sometimes

when people say "sleep on it" what do they think is going to happen? that somehow while you are sleeping, you're going to discover the answer to all your issues?
what "sleep on it" really means, is go home, think this issue to death until you're tired of it and will say anything to make it go away in order to make life easier. not really, it just seems like a superficial answer sometimes, some times its better to talk about things when they're happening, while its fresh in your mind


and sometimes its good to walk away and cool off

also im watching gay tv, its some odd couple having a gay argument about whether the female part of the couple is "flirty-fighting" the guy
if you're going to fight...fight, or at least try and talk it out, rather than pretending you dont mean what you say, just so you can tell yourself that you said it.

sincerely, sincere

you might be right, i might need to change
but you know what, i also need my friends, i need you to be there for me when you say you will
i need you to not say things on purpose to hurt me,

i also need you to believe me when i say that im trying, dont act like you know everything, you haven't been around, i know you see things that i dont know you see, and i know you know more about me than i realize. but i also know that we've had very few real conversations in the two months that we're supposed to have been friends
i appreciate your intention; what i do need is to grow up,
and to change something
but i wish you would know that im not a faker
i feel the way i feel when i feel it, and just because i dont shove it in
everybody else's face, doesn't make me insincere
try to understand that

Unbeing dead isn't being alive.
e. e. cummings

im not being alive right now
but then, i dont want to be, in the sense that im living, i dont want to live my life
i enjoy life, but, right now i just want to not be dead, rather than live

"this ain't fucking disneyland"

well i slept for ever last night
but i dont feel refreshed, it may be because it
was more of a passout sleep rather than a sleep-sleep

however, as a result of this lack of refreshment, i sat in my
bed for a while trying to remeber the last time i really slept
really well
and i discovered that i can only sleep and wake up feeling very
awesome when i am comfortable, the unfortunate repercussions
of this odd tick are that im not that comfortable in my mom's house ever
and a lot of the time im not comfortable in my dad's house
i will never forget the best nap i ever had

i was at a house that was not mine, and the band was practicing, very loudly,
i might add, and i was doing homework in the next room, very tired due
to a series of nightly fight/disagreements with my mom
i fell asleep
in my math book, in the middle of loud band practice, only one room over
in the middle of the afternoon
and i woke up to see my then- significant other
playing the guitar i think
sitting in the doorway watching me sleep in my book
i felt really awesome after that nap, i think it didn't really come across to my friends
but thats just because i was very groggy from the deep sleep i had been in
but anyways..he said it was cute and i said something im sure it was sarcastic
i didn't mean it if it was, i was definately thinking that i could have sat there forever, but i
was so surprised at my self for sleeping so well
that my brain wasn't functioning properly enough

this is a good memory that i have,
im glad i have good memories, everyone needs some of those

forget the world

back to my "simple, non thinking existance"
its not working
when i avoid the things that bother me, i.e. other people, i end up thinking, because when i avoid other people i have no life, so all i haveto do is think
and when i get around other people, i get really annoyed and want to be by myself

im creating my own little viscious circle

now, do exscuse me while i go create a small hole in my viscious circle, and forget everything for a couple of hours

i dont lick windows

When something big happens to me, i tend to go one of two ways
the first being really upset, and crying or whatever
the second being withdrawing and staying in my head with my emotions

im fairly certain that mostly i do the second, but i think its because i dont really know my emotions well enough to act on them. the thing is that i would like to show them, to let my friends know that im sad, or mad, or confused, but it just wont come out, because until i take the time to sit down and really think about it i dont know how i feel. then the only issue after that is that once i know how i feel, it feels so personal that i rarely actually want to tell anybody, i feel like its something that belongs to only me and nobody else is allowed to know.

another note: god?
you see, i say i dont believe in god, that there is no logical way to prove his existence, so therefore he isn't there. but i find myself in times of stress, or issues looking up and saying"you asshole" or when something good has happened, i will inadvertently glance up and say "thank you" does that mean im still stuck in the habit that was instilled in me during my childhood? the habit of thanking something is there just because im told it is?
or... is there something my subconscious

knows that the logical part of my mind vcan't accept. i know that part of the point of people's relationship with this god is being able to trust that he's there, without any hard proof
but i find that i dont generally believe in things without some hard proof.
im leaning towards that there is maybe a higher power, but its not necessarily the christian god specifically, i think i might be leaning more towards being more spiritual rather than christian,
but that is just right at this moment, there is absolutely know telling what i will convince myself of tomorrow...

You write such pretty words,

But life's no storybook.

Love's an excuse to get hurt.

And to hurt.

Do you like to hurt?

grass, cut

well
i made a new rule for my self the other day:
while in school i will not speak to anybody unless spoken to first
there are of course exceptions, those being my very close friends with whom, i share everything.
and should i have particularly strong feelings for/against some topic being discussed in class, i will disable the rule solely for that time

its not actually going very well, i'm very stuck in a habit of talking to people so as to avoid being alone with myself, so i end up making useless conversation, that makes other people think im funny and entertaining therefore causing them to have the expectation of me always being like that, and therefore causing me to feel pressure to always entertain people, and therefore causing me to be fake alot of the time

well ts not exactly fake, its more like adting, i feel like im acting a certain way(ie happy-go-lucky, funny, talkative, entertaining) just so other people won't bother me, or ask stupid questions such as "are you ok?" or "you're kind of quiet, whats up?"
the problem is, i've been doing this so long, that everyone expects me to always be like that, unless they those few that know im not
so i can't have an off day with out being bombarded with questions

this is going to be a hard endeavor i do believe

on another note

i do believe that i am a retard

candles

umm fun night
large blisters though
early morning tomorrow
and the next day

one single thought though
the majority of people's worlds revolve around other people's opinions of them, and the people who are worrying about some people's opinions dont realize that there's somebody some where worrying about their opinion. and if everyone would just realize that most everyone else wants to be accepted as badly as they do, then life would be so much more nice and simple.


thats gay--who am i to make opinions about other people's lives?

nobody, the world and other's lives are none of my business, and i know that, so why do i continue to make opinions about it and make other people listen to them?

Our words move aimlessly through empty city squares,
collecting into mobs and angry like their prayers.
They breathe the air we fought to leave behind.
This kind of blank adventure happens all the time,
because nobody knows the wreck of the soul the way you do.
We fought to find our thoughts,
the runway walked us through.

well, i dont like this, feeling unworthy slash undeserving of my friendships its nice to have good friends
but i feel bad when i just dont want to be around anyone

and it goes

to put it simply
im fairly certain that im exhausted with people, maybe even humanity in general, im tired of having to socialize, smile and be nice
i dont really want to be me anymore, that is, i dont want myself--my mind my body or anything i want to just float around and watch the world and be left alone
i need to just disappear for awhile and get to know myself
thats what i need to do, but, honestly im not that interested in getting to know myself, solely b/c i find myself to be tiring and incomprehensible. i'd rather just disappear, and forget that there was aver a me and that there was ever anything
a simple non-thinking existance

oh, i was moved

a certain story i read sometime was about the author's descent into insanity, it wasn't written from the authors point of view but, after researching her life, its definately biographical, or rather, autobiographical. sometimes that's what i feel like, that im seeing my life from someone else's point of view, like i see my own actions and wonder, what is she thinking? its weird, especially because i do the stupid things alot of the time anyway hehe
im my own narrator, nice
sometimes i get strings of random words for thoughts or i think in colors <>
this is all today, i didn't do any real thinking, i was busy enjoying fun and the moment



I saved up all my sunshine
just to see you more clear
I’m a little short on solar
and I haven’t given in

suicidal thoughts, or lackthereof

i was wondering today about this whole being alive thing
i had forgotten that there was another option until it was brought to my attention,...there's always death, ya know
just to be clear--im not suicidal, im not gonna kill myself, and i highly doubt that i will ever come very close,
im entirely too fond of myself
for the majority of my life i always thought it was a pussy way out
however, i really thought about it for awhile there, i just didn't want to hang around anymore
one time i accidently cut my finger and then just watched it bleed..until my mom found me sitting there staring at my finger
she yelled at me
that was sort of a turning point, after that i always wanted to see what my blood looked like again, but i just couldn't do it
im glad im not at that point in my life anymore, but im pretty sure i never reconciled myself with those feelings, which isn't to say i still have them, they're definately gone, but i never found out why i was so frustrated wit h life

now though, is a different problem, now im worried about others who feel like that, now i wish i knew why i felt that way so i could help anyone who might need me

maybe im just wishing for someone to need me,
maybe its just time for me to figure myself out,
unfortunately im fairly certain i dont have that sort of emotional or intellectual prowess

i do worry about people though

the meaning of life and my pillow

well its a nice thing to know that i'm able to wait to do things until i know im ready, i just hate it when it inconviences other people
im glad that im mature enough to admit that im not mature enough to do somethings, and mature enough to admit that some of the things, no, many of the things i do are incredibly stupid cop outs, probably just to get attention,
but i wish that i was mature enough to stop doing said stupid cop outs just to reassure myself of other's feelings about me
on another note
the other day i managed to bitch out this person for talking about somebody behind their back, i was pretty proud of myself, im not gonna lie, so i've decided to make a habit of watching who i talk about and standing up for people who aren't there to stand up for themselves, i wish it was for a more noble reason than it gave me a rush, but at least im making an effort to improve myself.

sometimes at night i get this insane urge to talk to some one because all these thought build up in my head, but the problem is i dont always know what the thoughts are, so i try to call some one that i know gets me and can tell me whats going on...but it never works out, and then in the morning i've lost any grasp i had on those thoughts..like they've spilled out on my pillow when i sleep,
its quite frustrating, because for all i know, i may be trying to think the meaning of life and now the meaning of life very well might be all over my pillow

today my mom told me i didn't deserve to have any input in our conversation, a converstaion that involved her yelling at me about things that didn't actually happen, and since i didn't deserve to have any input or make my point i couldn't explain so now im eing punished not only for those things that didn't happen, but for "fussing" at her about making my point. i dont mean to be idly bitching about how "unfair" my mom is, or how "she just doesn't get me". it just ocurred to me while i was sitting in my room crying because she made me feel so worthless and shitty that maybe that could be the root of some of my self image issues, that maybe throughout the past couple of years, as she's told me that it didn't matter what i thought since i was the child, or that i dont deserve to contribute to our conversations/arguments, or that she doesn't feel like talking to me right now...i kinda wish she wouldn't say things like that
but im pretty sure she's contributed to me always thinking im not good enough
what can you do though?

It's hard to defend yourself in a robe

isn't it weird when someone close to you decieves you? on purpose?
and isn't it weird when you know that people you don't know are about to take control of some of the most important aspects of your life?
i think i've been stuck in my head for quite awhile now. it sucks
i want my life to chill, that would be nice, i need everything to quiet down and let me get back in control, if i can't control how the physical aspects of my life are run i could at least be able to take back over the mental parts. but in order to do that i need to be able to take some time to get away from everything that's up there, it just follows me around all the time and all i can to is think; constantly. it has just taken over my entire life.
but, maybe its time i did some thinking, i spent alot of time avoiding that exact thing. actually understanding how my brain works and my emotions.

just for the record, i dont want to. i dont want to understand myself, i dont want to know what my emotions mean, i dont want any of that shit, because thats what it is - bullshit
its bullshit that i'm who i am, its bullshit that people have to deal with other peole, its bullshit that my friends have to put up with me, its bullshit that i have so many friends, but at the same time, i might as well have no friends from time to time due to my lack of faith in others.

pretty much what im trying to say is that, im semi-on the verge of being able to understand myself and since i dont want to understand myself, i'm prolonging the process and causing myself to be stuck in my head all tangled up in my thoughts all the time, and its putting a strain on my relationships with alot of people who shouldn't have to deal with me or my issues

Because being pushed up against the bathroom wall isn't my idea of fun

i love my dear friends...we aren't at school right

sucka punch district 7!!

go on

i dont like things that make me feel bad
realizing as i take a very leisurely happy shower this morning that i have to go back home today makes me feel bad
knowing that i use controlling, logical measures to suppress any inconvienient(sp?) feelings makes me feel bad
knowing that i drink and all that "partying" business because all you know when you're doing that is the moment, all i can think about then is the "fun" i'm having, that makes me feel bad.
knowing that i push people away in order to protest myself from them, and to protect them from me even though i know that part of having relationships with others is allowing yourself to get hurt and forgiving makes me feel bad

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain
E.E. Cummings

website found, waiting for reply

i dont have any feelings specifically to spill right now. life is more than slightly confusing sometimes.
i watched drop dead fred today, its a cool movie i suppose, for some reason i really connected with the main character it was a little weird how much i was identifying with her. so i thought about it and came to an understanding with myself; i can identify with her struggles with her imaginary friend because i want one, or rather, i want an excuse to be insane and just do crazy things. then i thought some more and i realized that i really do have an imaginary friend, not in the sense that he/she has a name and appearance; but in the sense that i retreat into my head fropm time to time and just talk to myself, and i become my only real friend. which is a terrible thing because i have all these amazing people who im pretty sure care about me and i just can't bring myself to tell them absolutly everything, i used to but i just can't anymore. so i created this sort of alternate reality in my head where i just exist. and its quite nice i must admit

ah the brain

for me its a huge thing to be independent i like to pretend like i dont need anybody, and while its not true that i dont need anybody, i recently have realized that i need very few people and those few people are my very good friends. so its exciting for me to realize that i dont actually need this one person, i thought i need and that bothered me because this person didn't need me and that was a huge thorn in my side. i hate when i need someone and they dont need me, because then i feel vulnerable and thats just no fun at all. so anyways, turns out im just fine, and dont need them and its great it was just a huge great epiphany/catharsis for me to finally realize this and im in such a good mood right now. i feel like i know myself again, because again i can understand whats going on in my head, i control my feelings with logic again and that fixes everything i think

wow that sounds like really destructive behaviori guess but at least im being honest and if im happier this way, then is it really destructive?

not being dependent is mucho fun, everyone should try it, to be able to be by myself all day and not feel then need for humans is...very liberating, because when you dont have contact, you dont get hurt by others and neither do you hurt them. so, everybody wins
dont get me wrong, im quite a social person, this is just a good thing for when im not feeling social. its very contradicting i realize, but thats just the way i work i guess.

presumably profound

loss of life is something that has weighed on my mind alot recently. It seems so unthinkable that, one day, i will just cease to exist. i wish i could accept that fact, butlife-overall- is such a...place to be. i'm under the impression that there really isn't anything after you die- just nothingness-and is there is, how can it begin to compare? in life there is just so much to do- the whole world is jus there for the taking(thats right, im taking over the world). with proper effort, a person can do most anything.
like flying--one of my life goals-- with out an airplane...all you have to do is throw yourself at the ground until you miss.
anyways...Honestly, i tell myself that if i was to die at any moment-i would be ok with that, i try to make myself believe that i did everything i wanted to , that i'm happy with the way i've lived my life. Well, clearly, nooone is completely happy with the way they've lived. there's always something more they could be doing regardless of their age, who they are, social status, or occupation. I want tobe able to be more honest, to do what i want without having to worry about who might gethurt-but,alos, on the flipside of that- i wish that i could be able to be more understandingof other's feelings ( yes, cliche, i realize) , to be a nicer mor egenerous person/friend. i always think there's something more i could be doing to better my relationships with others and im just too lazy or anti social to do it. there are very few things i hate more than having to admit that yes i am a bitch, buti always wish people could understand everything else thats going on in my head that could be the root of aforementioned bitchiness..but they're never going to, and thats my doing as well, people can't possibly begin to understand each other until everybody is able to vocalize their feelings and thoughts. so it is my fault, becasue i know that i need to say my thoughts and, yet, i dont.
So. i AM the one responsible for my issues, and therefore, must accept that, until i do something about it and trust people not to let me down, i will be dissapointed in that aspect of my life.

today i learned how to be dissapointed in other people
again
and myself
i really want to be the person i used to be, i want to be able to forgive the stupid things that won't matter in 10 years, however, im finding myself more and more caught up in little things, in things that can't possibly matter and on a logical level--i know that and im telling myself that constantly, but, apparently, i have multiple personalities. one of which is crazy emotional and teenager-y and angsty and willing to get caught up in stupid drama. maybe thats just a byproduct of all the emotions i've suppressed over the years, and my poor little logic-controlled head is trying to get back at me for the emotional neglect i have put it through in the past.
what a self-betrayal

and here i was hoping that only the intelligent, logical level of my personality would know that i was being suppressive.
unfortunatley i know myself better than i thought i did

dammit

Save the Last Dance

right now im watching save the last dance, i haven't seen it completely in a couple of years and consequently had forgotten how much i liked it.
but this is not the point
the point is that i wish i had stuck with some form of dancing, or something that is slightly time consuming or a hobby

haha speaking of save the last dance, julia stiles just told some guy the he sure talks alot for someone who never says anything

i have known people like that, but also, i have been like that
just talking for no reason except to take up space--thats something i should work on, but sometimes its hard to stop talking for fear of having to listen

hmmmmm i also have this severe fear of invasion of privacy, unless its someone i really trust or have faith in
it just occured to me that there's a difference between trusting people and having faith in them

i would trust many people with my secrets or my feelings but i wouldn't have the faith in them to call them in tears and not feel embarrassed the next day

i love the part of this movie when she's learning how to dance hip hop with the guy and you can see her gradually regaining faith in the thing that she loves and remembering why it is that she cared so much about dancing
and then a commercial comes on and ruins the moment

well...cynicism

sometimes, people just let you down, its ridiculous i know,
this was a hard concept for me to grasp until just recently

i wish,though, that i had realized that earlier
anyways, speaking of people...
i wish that i had a great uncle milton
and yesterday was just weird

Daddy
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time --
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off the beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine,
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You --

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two --
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

Sylvia Plath