grass, cut

well
i made a new rule for my self the other day:
while in school i will not speak to anybody unless spoken to first
there are of course exceptions, those being my very close friends with whom, i share everything.
and should i have particularly strong feelings for/against some topic being discussed in class, i will disable the rule solely for that time

its not actually going very well, i'm very stuck in a habit of talking to people so as to avoid being alone with myself, so i end up making useless conversation, that makes other people think im funny and entertaining therefore causing them to have the expectation of me always being like that, and therefore causing me to feel pressure to always entertain people, and therefore causing me to be fake alot of the time

well ts not exactly fake, its more like adting, i feel like im acting a certain way(ie happy-go-lucky, funny, talkative, entertaining) just so other people won't bother me, or ask stupid questions such as "are you ok?" or "you're kind of quiet, whats up?"
the problem is, i've been doing this so long, that everyone expects me to always be like that, unless they those few that know im not
so i can't have an off day with out being bombarded with questions

this is going to be a hard endeavor i do believe

on another note

i do believe that i am a retard