It's hard to defend yourself in a robe

isn't it weird when someone close to you decieves you? on purpose?
and isn't it weird when you know that people you don't know are about to take control of some of the most important aspects of your life?
i think i've been stuck in my head for quite awhile now. it sucks
i want my life to chill, that would be nice, i need everything to quiet down and let me get back in control, if i can't control how the physical aspects of my life are run i could at least be able to take back over the mental parts. but in order to do that i need to be able to take some time to get away from everything that's up there, it just follows me around all the time and all i can to is think; constantly. it has just taken over my entire life.
but, maybe its time i did some thinking, i spent alot of time avoiding that exact thing. actually understanding how my brain works and my emotions.

just for the record, i dont want to. i dont want to understand myself, i dont want to know what my emotions mean, i dont want any of that shit, because thats what it is - bullshit
its bullshit that i'm who i am, its bullshit that people have to deal with other peole, its bullshit that my friends have to put up with me, its bullshit that i have so many friends, but at the same time, i might as well have no friends from time to time due to my lack of faith in others.

pretty much what im trying to say is that, im semi-on the verge of being able to understand myself and since i dont want to understand myself, i'm prolonging the process and causing myself to be stuck in my head all tangled up in my thoughts all the time, and its putting a strain on my relationships with alot of people who shouldn't have to deal with me or my issues