suicidal thoughts, or lackthereof

i was wondering today about this whole being alive thing
i had forgotten that there was another option until it was brought to my attention,...there's always death, ya know
just to be clear--im not suicidal, im not gonna kill myself, and i highly doubt that i will ever come very close,
im entirely too fond of myself
for the majority of my life i always thought it was a pussy way out
however, i really thought about it for awhile there, i just didn't want to hang around anymore
one time i accidently cut my finger and then just watched it bleed..until my mom found me sitting there staring at my finger
she yelled at me
that was sort of a turning point, after that i always wanted to see what my blood looked like again, but i just couldn't do it
im glad im not at that point in my life anymore, but im pretty sure i never reconciled myself with those feelings, which isn't to say i still have them, they're definately gone, but i never found out why i was so frustrated wit h life

now though, is a different problem, now im worried about others who feel like that, now i wish i knew why i felt that way so i could help anyone who might need me

maybe im just wishing for someone to need me,
maybe its just time for me to figure myself out,
unfortunately im fairly certain i dont have that sort of emotional or intellectual prowess

i do worry about people though