the first being really upset, and crying or whatever
the second being withdrawing and staying in my head with my emotions
im fairly certain that mostly i do the second, but i think its because i dont really know my emotions well enough to act on them. the thing is that i would like to show them, to let my friends know that im sad, or mad, or confused, but it just wont come out, because until i take the time to sit down and really think about it i dont know how i feel. then the only issue after that is that once i know how i feel, it feels so personal that i rarely actually want to tell anybody, i feel like its something that belongs to only me and nobody else is allowed to know.
another note: god?
you see, i say i dont believe in god, that there is no logical way to prove his existence, so therefore he isn't there. but i find myself in times of stress, or issues looking up and saying"you asshole" or when something good has happened, i will inadvertently glance up and say "thank you" does that mean im still stuck in the habit that was instilled in me during my childhood? the habit of thanking something is there just because im told it is?
or... is there something my subconscious
knows that the logical part of my mind vcan't accept. i know that part of the point of people's relationship with this god is being able to trust that he's there, without any hard proof
but i find that i dont generally believe in things without some hard proof.
im leaning towards that there is maybe a higher power, but its not necessarily the christian god specifically, i think i might be leaning more towards being more spiritual rather than christian,
but that is just right at this moment, there is absolutely know telling what i will convince myself of tomorrow...
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