You write such pretty words,

But life's no storybook.

Love's an excuse to get hurt.

And to hurt.

Do you like to hurt?

grass, cut

well
i made a new rule for my self the other day:
while in school i will not speak to anybody unless spoken to first
there are of course exceptions, those being my very close friends with whom, i share everything.
and should i have particularly strong feelings for/against some topic being discussed in class, i will disable the rule solely for that time

its not actually going very well, i'm very stuck in a habit of talking to people so as to avoid being alone with myself, so i end up making useless conversation, that makes other people think im funny and entertaining therefore causing them to have the expectation of me always being like that, and therefore causing me to feel pressure to always entertain people, and therefore causing me to be fake alot of the time

well ts not exactly fake, its more like adting, i feel like im acting a certain way(ie happy-go-lucky, funny, talkative, entertaining) just so other people won't bother me, or ask stupid questions such as "are you ok?" or "you're kind of quiet, whats up?"
the problem is, i've been doing this so long, that everyone expects me to always be like that, unless they those few that know im not
so i can't have an off day with out being bombarded with questions

this is going to be a hard endeavor i do believe

on another note

i do believe that i am a retard

candles

umm fun night
large blisters though
early morning tomorrow
and the next day

one single thought though
the majority of people's worlds revolve around other people's opinions of them, and the people who are worrying about some people's opinions dont realize that there's somebody some where worrying about their opinion. and if everyone would just realize that most everyone else wants to be accepted as badly as they do, then life would be so much more nice and simple.


thats gay--who am i to make opinions about other people's lives?

nobody, the world and other's lives are none of my business, and i know that, so why do i continue to make opinions about it and make other people listen to them?

Our words move aimlessly through empty city squares,
collecting into mobs and angry like their prayers.
They breathe the air we fought to leave behind.
This kind of blank adventure happens all the time,
because nobody knows the wreck of the soul the way you do.
We fought to find our thoughts,
the runway walked us through.

well, i dont like this, feeling unworthy slash undeserving of my friendships its nice to have good friends
but i feel bad when i just dont want to be around anyone

and it goes

to put it simply
im fairly certain that im exhausted with people, maybe even humanity in general, im tired of having to socialize, smile and be nice
i dont really want to be me anymore, that is, i dont want myself--my mind my body or anything i want to just float around and watch the world and be left alone
i need to just disappear for awhile and get to know myself
thats what i need to do, but, honestly im not that interested in getting to know myself, solely b/c i find myself to be tiring and incomprehensible. i'd rather just disappear, and forget that there was aver a me and that there was ever anything
a simple non-thinking existance

oh, i was moved

a certain story i read sometime was about the author's descent into insanity, it wasn't written from the authors point of view but, after researching her life, its definately biographical, or rather, autobiographical. sometimes that's what i feel like, that im seeing my life from someone else's point of view, like i see my own actions and wonder, what is she thinking? its weird, especially because i do the stupid things alot of the time anyway hehe
im my own narrator, nice
sometimes i get strings of random words for thoughts or i think in colors <>
this is all today, i didn't do any real thinking, i was busy enjoying fun and the moment



I saved up all my sunshine
just to see you more clear
I’m a little short on solar
and I haven’t given in

suicidal thoughts, or lackthereof

i was wondering today about this whole being alive thing
i had forgotten that there was another option until it was brought to my attention,...there's always death, ya know
just to be clear--im not suicidal, im not gonna kill myself, and i highly doubt that i will ever come very close,
im entirely too fond of myself
for the majority of my life i always thought it was a pussy way out
however, i really thought about it for awhile there, i just didn't want to hang around anymore
one time i accidently cut my finger and then just watched it bleed..until my mom found me sitting there staring at my finger
she yelled at me
that was sort of a turning point, after that i always wanted to see what my blood looked like again, but i just couldn't do it
im glad im not at that point in my life anymore, but im pretty sure i never reconciled myself with those feelings, which isn't to say i still have them, they're definately gone, but i never found out why i was so frustrated wit h life

now though, is a different problem, now im worried about others who feel like that, now i wish i knew why i felt that way so i could help anyone who might need me

maybe im just wishing for someone to need me,
maybe its just time for me to figure myself out,
unfortunately im fairly certain i dont have that sort of emotional or intellectual prowess

i do worry about people though

the meaning of life and my pillow

well its a nice thing to know that i'm able to wait to do things until i know im ready, i just hate it when it inconviences other people
im glad that im mature enough to admit that im not mature enough to do somethings, and mature enough to admit that some of the things, no, many of the things i do are incredibly stupid cop outs, probably just to get attention,
but i wish that i was mature enough to stop doing said stupid cop outs just to reassure myself of other's feelings about me
on another note
the other day i managed to bitch out this person for talking about somebody behind their back, i was pretty proud of myself, im not gonna lie, so i've decided to make a habit of watching who i talk about and standing up for people who aren't there to stand up for themselves, i wish it was for a more noble reason than it gave me a rush, but at least im making an effort to improve myself.

sometimes at night i get this insane urge to talk to some one because all these thought build up in my head, but the problem is i dont always know what the thoughts are, so i try to call some one that i know gets me and can tell me whats going on...but it never works out, and then in the morning i've lost any grasp i had on those thoughts..like they've spilled out on my pillow when i sleep,
its quite frustrating, because for all i know, i may be trying to think the meaning of life and now the meaning of life very well might be all over my pillow

today my mom told me i didn't deserve to have any input in our conversation, a converstaion that involved her yelling at me about things that didn't actually happen, and since i didn't deserve to have any input or make my point i couldn't explain so now im eing punished not only for those things that didn't happen, but for "fussing" at her about making my point. i dont mean to be idly bitching about how "unfair" my mom is, or how "she just doesn't get me". it just ocurred to me while i was sitting in my room crying because she made me feel so worthless and shitty that maybe that could be the root of some of my self image issues, that maybe throughout the past couple of years, as she's told me that it didn't matter what i thought since i was the child, or that i dont deserve to contribute to our conversations/arguments, or that she doesn't feel like talking to me right now...i kinda wish she wouldn't say things like that
but im pretty sure she's contributed to me always thinking im not good enough
what can you do though?

It's hard to defend yourself in a robe

isn't it weird when someone close to you decieves you? on purpose?
and isn't it weird when you know that people you don't know are about to take control of some of the most important aspects of your life?
i think i've been stuck in my head for quite awhile now. it sucks
i want my life to chill, that would be nice, i need everything to quiet down and let me get back in control, if i can't control how the physical aspects of my life are run i could at least be able to take back over the mental parts. but in order to do that i need to be able to take some time to get away from everything that's up there, it just follows me around all the time and all i can to is think; constantly. it has just taken over my entire life.
but, maybe its time i did some thinking, i spent alot of time avoiding that exact thing. actually understanding how my brain works and my emotions.

just for the record, i dont want to. i dont want to understand myself, i dont want to know what my emotions mean, i dont want any of that shit, because thats what it is - bullshit
its bullshit that i'm who i am, its bullshit that people have to deal with other peole, its bullshit that my friends have to put up with me, its bullshit that i have so many friends, but at the same time, i might as well have no friends from time to time due to my lack of faith in others.

pretty much what im trying to say is that, im semi-on the verge of being able to understand myself and since i dont want to understand myself, i'm prolonging the process and causing myself to be stuck in my head all tangled up in my thoughts all the time, and its putting a strain on my relationships with alot of people who shouldn't have to deal with me or my issues

Because being pushed up against the bathroom wall isn't my idea of fun

i love my dear friends...we aren't at school right

sucka punch district 7!!

go on

i dont like things that make me feel bad
realizing as i take a very leisurely happy shower this morning that i have to go back home today makes me feel bad
knowing that i use controlling, logical measures to suppress any inconvienient(sp?) feelings makes me feel bad
knowing that i drink and all that "partying" business because all you know when you're doing that is the moment, all i can think about then is the "fun" i'm having, that makes me feel bad.
knowing that i push people away in order to protest myself from them, and to protect them from me even though i know that part of having relationships with others is allowing yourself to get hurt and forgiving makes me feel bad

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain
E.E. Cummings

website found, waiting for reply

i dont have any feelings specifically to spill right now. life is more than slightly confusing sometimes.
i watched drop dead fred today, its a cool movie i suppose, for some reason i really connected with the main character it was a little weird how much i was identifying with her. so i thought about it and came to an understanding with myself; i can identify with her struggles with her imaginary friend because i want one, or rather, i want an excuse to be insane and just do crazy things. then i thought some more and i realized that i really do have an imaginary friend, not in the sense that he/she has a name and appearance; but in the sense that i retreat into my head fropm time to time and just talk to myself, and i become my only real friend. which is a terrible thing because i have all these amazing people who im pretty sure care about me and i just can't bring myself to tell them absolutly everything, i used to but i just can't anymore. so i created this sort of alternate reality in my head where i just exist. and its quite nice i must admit

ah the brain

for me its a huge thing to be independent i like to pretend like i dont need anybody, and while its not true that i dont need anybody, i recently have realized that i need very few people and those few people are my very good friends. so its exciting for me to realize that i dont actually need this one person, i thought i need and that bothered me because this person didn't need me and that was a huge thorn in my side. i hate when i need someone and they dont need me, because then i feel vulnerable and thats just no fun at all. so anyways, turns out im just fine, and dont need them and its great it was just a huge great epiphany/catharsis for me to finally realize this and im in such a good mood right now. i feel like i know myself again, because again i can understand whats going on in my head, i control my feelings with logic again and that fixes everything i think

wow that sounds like really destructive behaviori guess but at least im being honest and if im happier this way, then is it really destructive?

not being dependent is mucho fun, everyone should try it, to be able to be by myself all day and not feel then need for humans is...very liberating, because when you dont have contact, you dont get hurt by others and neither do you hurt them. so, everybody wins
dont get me wrong, im quite a social person, this is just a good thing for when im not feeling social. its very contradicting i realize, but thats just the way i work i guess.