i am in some trouble
i got caught skipping school again
im not sorry i did it, i would definately do it again
but i have some apologies to make anyway
momma:
im sorry i seem to have let you down so much, im sorry that i'm not the child you had hoped for
i know its a hard realization to come to when you realize that someone is not who you wanted them to be
and you seem to be struggling with it especially
i want you to know that i tried, i wanted to be who you wanted me to be
but one day it stopped being all about you-- i realized how tiring and consuming it was for me to be some one besides me
i know you had plans for your petite blond, blue-eyed debutante; but the thing is
i can't be you all over again
im not a cheerleader, not a lifeguard, not a homecoming queen, not a beauty pageant winner
i can only be marianna rebecca not florence marianna
and marianna rebecca skips school sometimes because , not only does she not care about any of her "real" classes, but her grades can take it because she's intelligent enough to keep up
marianna rebecca draws and paints, and takes pictures
she hangs out on parking garages, she wants to go to art school, she gives away 5 dozen doughnuts on certain sundays, she gets hangovers, she's trying to learn to play the guitar, she doesn't always clean her room, she doesn't want to tell you everything about her life-her friends, her thoughts
just because she doesn't trust you with the interpretation of them--you are far to bitter to understand that not everything stems from her father
but she does love you, and wants you to be happy with her
daddy:
for a long time i called myself a "daddy's girl"
im sorry that i dont anymore
im sorry that my skipping school had to interrupt your vacation with christine and make your smoke clouded brain remember that you do really have a family, even on the weeks that we dont live with you
im sorry that this time you couldn't buy a new marianna because the one you have doesn't work properly
and im sorry i didn't call you to ask to skip
but lets be reasonable--what difference would it have made? i still would have been caught
and what would you have told momma? "nonono marianna, its ok, i told her she could"
thats intelligent.
im sorry that you think im weird and you dont like my friends
im sorry that i realized why you liked my other friends better--
even though i was in a drug/alcohol induced stupor, you knew where i was when i was with them--and that gave you a sense of control/safety i suppose
with the friends i have now--you dont always know where i am
or what i am doing
you have to live with the fear that someone you know might see you daughter giving away free doughnuts
or dancing on a parking garage
you can't understand how much better it is for me to be out living a life
i've never been quite this at peace with myself
and im sorry you can't see that or dont want to see that
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6 comments:
Marianna... are you ready for your father's response? He has thought about it for quite sometime now but I just thought I'd prepare you. Be ready for a sit down, calm converstation with him because HE CARES!!!! TRUST ME!! My dad would never look for this pages much less think about having a conversation with me about it...but your's IS!!! He's hurt, he's confused, he LOVES YOU!!!! My dad would have said - SO WHAT! YOur dad has debated about this for a while...
He assumes that since this is not a private journal that you wanted him to respond...SO>>>he plans on it soon. Hope you have answers!
By the way...you are a very special person to him!!! BUT, there are tons of people (less fortunate people) that is also trying to take care of that you have no clue about...it doesn't make the papers, no one talks about it, no one recognizes him for it...he doesn't want that...he just likes to help those less fortunate! And because I care a lot about you....from what he's read, he'd rather spend the money YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT OR APPRECIATE, he wants to talk to you about giving it to others more needy..(and appreciative)
Your "other" corner - Christine
i POSTED A REPLY HERE...NOT SURE WHERE IT WENT...YOU SHOULD TALK TO ME FIRST, BEFORE YOUR DAD HAS A CONVERSTATION WITH YOU...MARIANNA - HE'S TRYING...AND HE THINKS OF HIS CHILDREN FIRST SOOO MANY TIMES. DON'T BE NAIVE! HE WOULD DIE FOR YOU - CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!
CALL ME! BEFORE HE CALLS YOU!
CHRISTINE
if you want to talk to me before your dad, just let me know - i'm here! christine
i suppose i wrote this in anger
i know my dad thinks about us first and i know he loves us
i just thinks you guys dont see that tmany times yall are in your own little world where im not allowed and its hard dto adjust to having someone come before me
and believe me if i had known he knew i had this
that would never have been writtine in the first place
I want to first say I'm sorry if I was too abrupt in my first response...it can be a little difficult "translating" your father's feelings and meanings, as I'm sure you understand.
First - I understand about the "coming first"...ironically I have some of those same thoughts about you guys..nothing bad...just a little jealousy i suppose (must be a female thing). You know there are many times he cancels plans with me (and others like Richy or Jim Smith and fishing trips) just to spend time with ya'll or do something you need or for you. And I won't even begin to mention the times your mother comes before me for various reasons. I guess I would hope you think of it as sharing time with each other instead of ranking "who comes first"...i honestly don't think he thinks of it that way...i could go on and on about conversations before we agreed to get married about his concerns for ya'lls welfare...that's something that makes him so special and many in Spartanburg assume the just the opposite about him.
Anyway...I just want you to know you are ALWAYS welcome in your dad's world...no matter where he is or who he's with! I hope I have not given you the feeling of "bothering us" if we're gone for the weekend..etc...not at all. In fact, he'd love to hear from you more when you're not together. I also hope you recognize how he struggles with so many issues around each of you...For you it's 1-watching his little girl growning up, 2-letting her make adult decisions, 3-still wanting to protect her from bad people in the world, 4-watching you set an example for your sister, 5- trying his HARDEST to co-parent with your mother....but most of all, wanting you to be happy! He (and others) do comment on how self confident you seem and how outgoing and smiling you are these days. He's mostly just confused I think, and wants to help you if he can.
Again, I'm sorry if I was too blunt earlier. I had just had a "lively" discussion with my stubborn brother and probably carried over some emotion...again, I apologize.
...sorry to for going on and on and on and.... '~)
ahh
i think that being jealous about each other is never going to stop
and its not necessarily a bad thing,
it just means we both love him
i dont blame you, anymore than you blame me
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