halloween

it just occured to me what exactly i was doing at this time last year.
i was sitting at my computer doing the exact same thing, writing an english essay

but its funny exactly how much has changed
then: i was at my mom's house, in the basement
now: im at my dad's house in my room

thats not even close to representing what else has changed--
halloween one year ago i managed to get my brother's girlfriend completely smashed
sneak a guy into the house,
piss my brother off for the aformentioned smashed girlfriend
and have that girlfreind hit on my snuck-in guy

all that has changed a good bit
now i dont drink anymore, i had to make that decision, it became more of a stupid cop out and a way of escaping my everyday life without dealing with my issues
now i hardly speak with kelley, because i grew tired of dealing with her shit--not that i care for her anyless, i just dont want to deal with the melodramatics anymore
in the year thats passed i managed to go from being almost best friends with that guy to completely alienating him to him completely alienating me
i've managed to get in a fairly serious relationship, and have that end
i've managed to lose to majority of the friends i had this time a year ago
its sad and i miss them and all the fun times i had with them
but the thing is
i dont think i've ever known myself quite as well,
i've never had quite the understanding of things as i do now
i feel in some ways more childish than i did then
but in many others i feel, if not more mature, more understanding
i've finally learned what it is to sit back and figure things out, and attempt to accept them without the anger and frustration that i think would have met my issues a year ago
it took a long time to get to this point and i think, no, i know i have a long long way to go
but as hard as this past year may have been for me
its been good i've learned--
i've learned more about others
i've learned more about the human brain
i've learned the best ways to cook pizza rolls and easy mac
i've learned more about religion
i've learned more about dreams, those real and imagined
i've learned nore about appearences
i've learned more about what being friends is
and
ultimately
learned more about myself and the world around me
im glad

mmmwriter's block

damn you hamlet
and your cynical view of humankind

and damn you gilmore girls
and your sarcastic entertainment that easily lures me away from my essay

why must we have an essay to write on halloween?
at least i have the reese's cups that are left over to keep me company

Carter, USM

Carter, Unstoppable Sex Machine was this band that my step-aunt's boyfriend/husband type person was in
her name is chrissy and his name is les
i like them alot
i didn't realize that les had achieved any sort of fame... but here it is, apparently he did


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carter_USM

AND, apparently this is the song that the rolling stones sued Carter USM about
i think i remember chrissy telling me that the lawsuit was settled ridiculously, because noone in either band wanted to deal with it

college

i have to finish applying to my colleges within the next couple of days


i really want to go to scad
my mom does not approve
in the least
its kind of tiring having to constantly defend my aspirations/dreams, only to be met with disapproval or the "you won't succeed" attitude

im scared she's right and i can't do it
im scared to go to college, which is why i keep putting off the whole applying deal

life is just a little intimidating


but i will do it, apply, and then, veronica im going to make you some fudge

i dont know how i will get it to you, my car says "empty"

danger

something is wrong with my dog

he has a pinched nerve in his spine, but they said it would be better by now

its not
im worried about him

remote

what is it exactly in someone that makes them capable of such hate that they want to kill?
and where do they find the strength of mind to act on it?

why am i not afraid of you?
why shouldn't i be, we know you are capable, and willing to act

but, then, why shoud i be?
what are you going to do? and when? and where? with what?
whats the worst that could happen to me?

what if you could just stay away from my friends?
that would be nice


in the end, there's no way i can know what you're going to do or not do
i can only say, maybe, you should learn to move on with life, rather than focusing entirely on one thing
it helps

m

i know this is very long
but i watched v for vendetta last night, and i think this is a good scene

i daresay...it moved me

i hate you

hate has turned into such a generalized term,
"oooh i hate that color"
"god, i hate her soooooo much"
"ewww i hate broccoli"
"i hate morning"
"i hate the fall"
"i hate you"
its now used in such a way so as to applyto anything anyone may even mildly dislike/
i'll admit, i do it too, if im in a bad mood i hate everybody. even my best friend. i hate bagels sometimes, i hate my hair, my nose, my whatever.
at any given point, everyone thinks they hate alot of things, and they will tell you who, and what they hate,
but in reality, i think, the majority of those feelings aren't actually hate, just dislike, disgust,exhaustion, contempt,bad mood, or what have you
and sometime you really want to hate something or someone, but you can't
i think i should remember that,because wanting to hate, and not being able to proves that
humans as a rule don't hate easily, but we're all in a habit of pretending we do

sleep on it

there's this big hole in the middle of everyone's lives
some wander closer to it than others,
some dont even ever see it its hard to decide which i am sometimes

when people say "sleep on it" what do they think is going to happen? that somehow while you are sleeping, you're going to discover the answer to all your issues?
what "sleep on it" really means, is go home, think this issue to death until you're tired of it and will say anything to make it go away in order to make life easier. not really, it just seems like a superficial answer sometimes, some times its better to talk about things when they're happening, while its fresh in your mind


and sometimes its good to walk away and cool off

also im watching gay tv, its some odd couple having a gay argument about whether the female part of the couple is "flirty-fighting" the guy
if you're going to fight...fight, or at least try and talk it out, rather than pretending you dont mean what you say, just so you can tell yourself that you said it.

sincerely, sincere

you might be right, i might need to change
but you know what, i also need my friends, i need you to be there for me when you say you will
i need you to not say things on purpose to hurt me,

i also need you to believe me when i say that im trying, dont act like you know everything, you haven't been around, i know you see things that i dont know you see, and i know you know more about me than i realize. but i also know that we've had very few real conversations in the two months that we're supposed to have been friends
i appreciate your intention; what i do need is to grow up,
and to change something
but i wish you would know that im not a faker
i feel the way i feel when i feel it, and just because i dont shove it in
everybody else's face, doesn't make me insincere
try to understand that

Unbeing dead isn't being alive.
e. e. cummings

im not being alive right now
but then, i dont want to be, in the sense that im living, i dont want to live my life
i enjoy life, but, right now i just want to not be dead, rather than live

"this ain't fucking disneyland"

well i slept for ever last night
but i dont feel refreshed, it may be because it
was more of a passout sleep rather than a sleep-sleep

however, as a result of this lack of refreshment, i sat in my
bed for a while trying to remeber the last time i really slept
really well
and i discovered that i can only sleep and wake up feeling very
awesome when i am comfortable, the unfortunate repercussions
of this odd tick are that im not that comfortable in my mom's house ever
and a lot of the time im not comfortable in my dad's house
i will never forget the best nap i ever had

i was at a house that was not mine, and the band was practicing, very loudly,
i might add, and i was doing homework in the next room, very tired due
to a series of nightly fight/disagreements with my mom
i fell asleep
in my math book, in the middle of loud band practice, only one room over
in the middle of the afternoon
and i woke up to see my then- significant other
playing the guitar i think
sitting in the doorway watching me sleep in my book
i felt really awesome after that nap, i think it didn't really come across to my friends
but thats just because i was very groggy from the deep sleep i had been in
but anyways..he said it was cute and i said something im sure it was sarcastic
i didn't mean it if it was, i was definately thinking that i could have sat there forever, but i
was so surprised at my self for sleeping so well
that my brain wasn't functioning properly enough

this is a good memory that i have,
im glad i have good memories, everyone needs some of those

forget the world

back to my "simple, non thinking existance"
its not working
when i avoid the things that bother me, i.e. other people, i end up thinking, because when i avoid other people i have no life, so all i haveto do is think
and when i get around other people, i get really annoyed and want to be by myself

im creating my own little viscious circle

now, do exscuse me while i go create a small hole in my viscious circle, and forget everything for a couple of hours

i dont lick windows

When something big happens to me, i tend to go one of two ways
the first being really upset, and crying or whatever
the second being withdrawing and staying in my head with my emotions

im fairly certain that mostly i do the second, but i think its because i dont really know my emotions well enough to act on them. the thing is that i would like to show them, to let my friends know that im sad, or mad, or confused, but it just wont come out, because until i take the time to sit down and really think about it i dont know how i feel. then the only issue after that is that once i know how i feel, it feels so personal that i rarely actually want to tell anybody, i feel like its something that belongs to only me and nobody else is allowed to know.

another note: god?
you see, i say i dont believe in god, that there is no logical way to prove his existence, so therefore he isn't there. but i find myself in times of stress, or issues looking up and saying"you asshole" or when something good has happened, i will inadvertently glance up and say "thank you" does that mean im still stuck in the habit that was instilled in me during my childhood? the habit of thanking something is there just because im told it is?
or... is there something my subconscious

knows that the logical part of my mind vcan't accept. i know that part of the point of people's relationship with this god is being able to trust that he's there, without any hard proof
but i find that i dont generally believe in things without some hard proof.
im leaning towards that there is maybe a higher power, but its not necessarily the christian god specifically, i think i might be leaning more towards being more spiritual rather than christian,
but that is just right at this moment, there is absolutely know telling what i will convince myself of tomorrow...