good morning

i felt like this awhile ago,
i might feel this way tomorrow or next week, or tonight
but right now i feel above it

http://grouphug.us/confessions/217002084

i didn't go to bed until 5 this morning, im pretty tired

nealeveronica

i love you guys

happy thanksgiving

the awarding of appreciation

i am thankful for you, that there is someone out there who will read other people's blogs, regardless of the inanity

i am appreciative of people

elizabeth, ronni, mat, mostly

andrea, yes, and do you know..i am thankful for allyn

and rafe

i have, as of late, come to a general sense of peace, i think i may have already talked about it

but im quite proud of myself

yes, i still fight with my mom, i still get mad at charlotte, i still argue with benjamin, i still secretly want to hit my father in the face

i still have all my flaws

i still argue, but im better at keeping some of my arguments inside and keeping my mouth shut

i still bottle my feelings, but i analyze them now, they're still inside mostly, but i know they are there and i accept them

i still talk too much, im still scared to hear what other people have to say

im still horrible with change

i still do all these things, but, i think, in a less ddramatice, more moderate kind of way

and all to all those people mentioned above--

i thank you

and owe you

im thankful that im provided for, that i have way more than enough

im thankful that i can walk, see, feel, hear

im thankful for the leftover uncle poons i just ate

im thankful that my room has two windows that face the sunrise

im calm right now

im writing an essay about the death penalty

but thats not what im thinking about

im thinking about life maybe--life after high school
well, life even in high school
when i go away--what if i can't do it
what if i dont go to class what if i dont learn how to study properlywhat if i dont do my homework
what if
my mom is right and im not mature enough to go college and i dont deserve the opportunity because of my immaturity

i like to think im fairly mature
maybe not in the sensible ways she would like for me to be
i know i dont do my homework
i know i forget my dentist appoinment or go on the wrong days
i know i sit a red lights for fifteen minutes to watch a train go by, even though i have things im late for
but i can listen to people
i can be there for them
i know how to love others as much as i love myself, if not more
i know how to see flaws and over look them
i know how to cook
i know how to do my own laundry
i know how to forgive
i know how to trust

but the question here is
what if thats not there right kind of maturity?

im supposed to get a job
i dont care about getting one --i need one probably to teach me about the things i lack in my personality
what i care is that im scared if i get a job i dont like, then i wont do my best and then everyone will get mad /disappointed at me
disapointment is the worst
i would rather anyone be mad at me rather than disappointed in me
I would rather be mad at anyone than be dissapointed in them

rain

i can't remember my thought that i had

i know that it is raining
and i know that i had the thought when i was getting my bookbag out of my car

i know that i started painting something cool today
and i hope it works out
i know that i probably wont ever finish this essay
and i know why
i wont ever finish it because its the most important thing in the world
thats a slight hyperbole
but its so important to me that im scared to do it
because if i mess it up
then i wont know what to do
i can't finish it because it matters to me
and my dad walks by and thinks im working on it but im typing this
oops

i know all of that
but i can't remember what it was i wanted to tell you

im ready for the yeare to be over
i want to get out of here soon
i might be suffocating

ps
some people need to mind their own business
especially self righteous bitches who have no business nosing in on my family
my little sister is not here for your gossiping pleasure
talk about my parents, my brother
talk about me!
leave her out of your twisted version of life and entertainment

character flaw?

i had a nice day today
i think i may have taken a few nice pictures and had a small adventure while attempting those pictures

but what i've been thinking recently is about expressing yourself
i find that those who express themselves are simply trying to find their "identity" to quote the play we're studying in english
i also find that most people who are trying to find their "identity" clearly have no idea who they are--only a will to find that out
but they also tend to be the most creative people for all their efforts to find where they fit in
creative people are generally revered by society as having some gift-- is that gift their inability to define theirselves?
and is that necessarily a bad thing, not knowing who you are?
if it is then why doesn't everyone admire those who go quietly through life, not disturbing anyone because they are comfortable with themsleves enough not to need the spotlight that these creative people need?
uncertainty is considered a character flaw--the inability to make a decision, whether based ooon facts or feelings, is looked down upon for the most part
i dont want to come down on creative people--not in the least--i mostly consider myself to be fairly creative
or i try to--because the thing is
i am entirely unsure of my identity
and maybe the beauty of that uncertainty is that i try different things
that everyone who can't make that decision of who they are tries different things
that supposed character flaw is what gives the world its actors, actresses, dancers, sculptors, painters, pianists, cellists, street performers, and what have you

so i say thank you, uncertainty
you have kept me from a comfortable existance, a planned life, knowing who i am and what i want to do,
you make my life hell some days, you make alot of people lives hell every day
you've caused slit wrists, too many pills, abortions, zoloft, and anorexia

but i love you for
the frieda kahlos
the salvador dalis
the monets
the van goghs
the elliot smiths
the mozarts
the lord byrons
the dead manic depressive crazies that made/make the world a prettier place


i. love. you.

i think

dont get sentimental

i am in some trouble
i got caught skipping school again

im not sorry i did it, i would definately do it again

but i have some apologies to make anyway

momma:
im sorry i seem to have let you down so much, im sorry that i'm not the child you had hoped for
i know its a hard realization to come to when you realize that someone is not who you wanted them to be
and you seem to be struggling with it especially
i want you to know that i tried, i wanted to be who you wanted me to be
but one day it stopped being all about you-- i realized how tiring and consuming it was for me to be some one besides me
i know you had plans for your petite blond, blue-eyed debutante; but the thing is
i can't be you all over again
im not a cheerleader, not a lifeguard, not a homecoming queen, not a beauty pageant winner

i can only be marianna rebecca not florence marianna
and marianna rebecca skips school sometimes because , not only does she not care about any of her "real" classes, but her grades can take it because she's intelligent enough to keep up
marianna rebecca draws and paints, and takes pictures
she hangs out on parking garages, she wants to go to art school, she gives away 5 dozen doughnuts on certain sundays, she gets hangovers, she's trying to learn to play the guitar, she doesn't always clean her room, she doesn't want to tell you everything about her life-her friends, her thoughts
just because she doesn't trust you with the interpretation of them--you are far to bitter to understand that not everything stems from her father

but she does love you, and wants you to be happy with her

daddy:

for a long time i called myself a "daddy's girl"
im sorry that i dont anymore
im sorry that my skipping school had to interrupt your vacation with christine and make your smoke clouded brain remember that you do really have a family, even on the weeks that we dont live with you
im sorry that this time you couldn't buy a new marianna because the one you have doesn't work properly
and im sorry i didn't call you to ask to skip
but lets be reasonable--what difference would it have made? i still would have been caught

and what would you have told momma? "nonono marianna, its ok, i told her she could"
thats intelligent.
im sorry that you think im weird and you dont like my friends

im sorry that i realized why you liked my other friends better--
even though i was in a drug/alcohol induced stupor, you knew where i was when i was with them--and that gave you a sense of control/safety i suppose
with the friends i have now--you dont always know where i am
or what i am doing
you have to live with the fear that someone you know might see you daughter giving away free doughnuts
or dancing on a parking garage
you can't understand how much better it is for me to be out living a life
i've never been quite this at peace with myself
and im sorry you can't see that or dont want to see that