i am so tired of sitting in an office
the past month has really made me realize that an office is never, ever, ever going to be where i want to spend my days

today is a winding road thats taking me to places that i didn't want to go

every now and then i realize that im at art school
i still feel like im at sleepaway camp pr whatever, but im not
i like it alot, even better i probably love it
its just hard getting used to not being able to see my family whenever i want to
i've gone from living within a mile of all the main parts of my family to living four or five hours away from all of them

i guess its not like i've always liked them that much (at all)
maybe its more of a culture shock but in a family way

they're there all the time, when you want them and mostly when you don't

SUDDENLY

they're not

also
i hate to put too much of my romantic relationships on here, but whatever
i hate that i've gone from being able to spend the majority of my time with ian, and seeing him everyday, to seeing him for a couple of days every two weeks
its not that i can't handle life without him
its more the fact that i've still got ties to somewhere else besides where i am, and that i miss him at the same time


also
i've developed this really embarassing habit of listening to boys like girls
i fought it and i fought it
but today i realized...their songs all about being young, being in love, and staying that way
which is, of course, the way all pop songs are and i dont know what it is about these ones, but they connect with me

because there are few thing that i want more right now than staying young

Factory girl

i ask my self this all the time
not in a morbid way, just curious
i guess wondering what people will say about me when i die is sort of self centered,--in theory, i shouldn't worry about what other people say period. but some things are easier said than done
and maybe it is a bit morbid







i think i would like to change the world

hi again

well now having done my math project and facing an entire week of school
i am no longer so optimistic about my relationships with others,
in fact, now im going to be honest with myself,
sure having an emotional connection with people is way better when unfettered with physical complications
thats great and i do really enjoy it
but here's the honest part:
honestly, i can only emotionally connect with maybe 4 people, and maybe thats all i need,
but i dont want to pretend like i have an emotional relationship with alot of people
i love those people that i have that relationship with
i would give them the world if i could
but i cant, so i give them what i can
my emotions, which mean the world to me
my emotions are a part of my definition
they provide insight into marianna
for you that have my emotions:
i love you, and this is how i try to tell you

as for the physical aspect of my life?
(because im a relatively physical person)
who knows what i'll do
continue to thank god for college boys fond of the phenomenon known as a booty call?
no
i suppose only time will tell
i think i'll survive, no worries, there are other things more important

hi there

well
right now i'm really enjoying having emotional relationships with people, its like being on a different level, theres no physical bullshit that can mess with everything and cloud your mind
but
its spring,and i think miss having someone to hold hands with
more than that im anxious to get out of here
to go to school and learn things that interest me
to go new places and see new things and new people that i haven't seen everyday for the past couple of years
other than that i had a fantastice time in new york, i got to see rent again and it was really cool, but in no way measured up to the color purple - which was beautiful

thats all

having an art show

well, today, the art teachers at spartan high cancelleed the individual senior art shows
i am extremely miffed

well, beyond miffed, i was trying to make a joke there, because i dont know what else to do, i want to be apathetic and cry at the same time

they decided to have one large art show with three pieces of each artit's work in it
if there are about six 3-d senior art students
and there are seven 2-d senior art students

(6 x 3) + (7 x 3) = 39

thats about 39 piececs crowded into the one tiny gallery at spartan high meant to hold about 24 pieces
who is going to be able to focus on any one artist?

now, the reasoning behind this cancellation is perfectly understandable-- nobody has finished enough pieces to hold their own individual show
i can accept that, it makes sense enough
there is, however, one small issue with that
i have enough pieces to have my own show
i worked hard all year towards the goal of my senior show
i worried more about that than i worried about the ap exam

you see, the show was a final way to prove to my mother that i deserved to go to art school, to prove that art is what i really love,
an art show with MY name on it, with all MY work in it i think would make her proud

it would be more than winning a prize,
it would be more than getting good grades
it would be more than being responsible, having a job
i would have finally accomplished something that i could be proud of with my family

oddest week
i went spiraling into this ridiculous depression for several days
borderline suicidal depression, i was mean to my friends
i cried in art class, i laughed while crying
i didn't want to go to school, i didn't want to paint, i didn't want to see my friends
i didn't want to eat,
i didn't want to do anything
i seriously thought about going back to therapy
i'm still seriously thinking about going back to therapy, unless i stay better
but i really thought i was going crazy for a few days, i've never been that bad
i guess i just need to wait it out, see what happens

no one wants to be as gay as you

i can't wait to leave here

its not funny any more

my life has recently felt like a scene from the movie bright young things

in this particular scene the camera is spinning around and around and around the main characters during a party as the narrator says something to the tune that all the things we do, we do to keep ourselves from realizing other things about ourselves

in the case of the characters in the movie--the parties they went to, the crazy things they did, the ridiculously opulent/excessive lives they lead was all mechanism to keep themselves from realizing that they weren't actually doing anything with their lives

in my case--by acting like certain things are funny even though they shouldn't be or by smiling when i dont feel like it, laughing and cracking jokes when i dont feel funny am i fooling myself into believing that those things are funny, or that i feel like entertaining?

a couple of days ago i heard my mom telling a friend of mine "congratulations on school. i'm proud of you."

she hasn't told me that yet--it's not that she's outright said she doesn't want me going to scad...to my face at least.

for a long time i thought it was funny-
my mom wasn't happy with my college choice
but i got in there
and i could go anyway because she wasn't paying for it
my dad was
and he was proud of me

now i just want her to be proud of me
or at least pretend to have some faith

rather than passive hints at how much of a disappointment i am

its called... child abuse

these kids make me proud
thank god they were saved from the horrible heathenism of vietnam and brought to god by good christian texans.
the chapman brothers, everyone

dear you

there's a machine--it pumps
pumps
pumps
chest goes--in and out
in and out
in and out
March on christian soldier
droning
in the background
buzzing about some god
some good book
so,
how much longer
can she be this still?