its not funny any more

my life has recently felt like a scene from the movie bright young things

in this particular scene the camera is spinning around and around and around the main characters during a party as the narrator says something to the tune that all the things we do, we do to keep ourselves from realizing other things about ourselves

in the case of the characters in the movie--the parties they went to, the crazy things they did, the ridiculously opulent/excessive lives they lead was all mechanism to keep themselves from realizing that they weren't actually doing anything with their lives

in my case--by acting like certain things are funny even though they shouldn't be or by smiling when i dont feel like it, laughing and cracking jokes when i dont feel funny am i fooling myself into believing that those things are funny, or that i feel like entertaining?

a couple of days ago i heard my mom telling a friend of mine "congratulations on school. i'm proud of you."

she hasn't told me that yet--it's not that she's outright said she doesn't want me going to scad...to my face at least.

for a long time i thought it was funny-
my mom wasn't happy with my college choice
but i got in there
and i could go anyway because she wasn't paying for it
my dad was
and he was proud of me

now i just want her to be proud of me
or at least pretend to have some faith

rather than passive hints at how much of a disappointment i am