lonely

i've been so alone this summer, more than i have ever been
and its been miserable-
charlotte's at camp, and its weird how much i miss since i've been at school she's been one of my best friends, just cause we've beeen through alot together i guess but haveing her gone has sucked because not one person in this world makes me laugh harder.
benjamin's just in this stage of his life were i want to be there for him but i don't think he's doing the right things but i can't say
my dad just had a new baby with his wife- which is fine, i'm happy for them and i love the shit out of that little baby, but...
everyone knows what happens when there's a new baby everything else gets ignored. I'd be ok except all my friends are just not here so i normally hang out with my dad, but its hard to hang out with someone who's wife wants him to hang out with her little girl.
its also kind of lonely to not be able to talk to my mom. i tried so hard to have the right kind of relationship with her, i want a mom so bad, but a relationship is based on compromise, and i'm too old to have an 11:00 curfew just because she doesn't want to wait up for me any later than that. i'm not a huge partier. at all. i drink with my family more than anyone else. i'm not a bad kid either.
on the bright side of all this being alone- while my dad is at the beach with christine and ella and i'm at home with the dog and my pot- i've bonded a great deal with petey(dog) ad seen alot of movies.
I never realized how much i depend on people for companionship. I mean, i've always known i liked people and i liked to be around people i like, but i always thought i needed my alone time, clearly there's a limit to alone time, because i think i talk to myself more than anyone these days.
i dont know if this is just a bitch fest because i do have to admit there is a certain safety in being alone, i dont have to worry about saying the wrong thing because petey will love me if i just give him the last bite of my frozen mini corndogs. there are no social gaffs when you're alone and no one judges you except yourself. so why is it so hard somedays?
it scares me that i might not be good with my friends when i go back to school- do i even know how to talk to somebody thats not me or a dog now? sure i do, but.... theres always the what-if

gross

ugh my roommate truly disgusts me

This weekend for the first time ALL YEAR she cleaned the bathroom
I dont know what possessed her to do this-- she left it up to me the rest of the time
When I got back today and realized that she had cleaned I was surprised, impressed

but now shes just laying in her bed skipping her class...because she has period cramps
now I could understand this I've had some bad ones, but there's plenty of advil in the room, and she wouldn't be dealing with her period if she wasn't too lazy to TAKE HER BIRTH CONTROL
yes. she has at least six months worth of birth control pills- the kind that make you have three day periods
but she just doesn't feeling like getting up from in front of her computer to walk the 7 ft to the sink to take one tiny damn pill once a day.
pisses me off
because now-our bathroom is going to reek- I know it is because last month I almost threw up when I went to take out the trash
I think she lacks the taking the trash out part of the brain
and Im going to have to listen to her moan and whine while she takes all of my advil again
she also always seems to want t talk about how sucky her life is around this time of the month



Dear God,
Please let liz live with someone someday who has the courage and strength of mind to punch her in the face.

those days

oh man
you know those days when it feels like the world is after you?
today.
today.
it was a "just can't do anything right" + a little bit of the flu + really nasty dinner that left me strangely nauseated
day
uhhhh
there are these people in the world
these people that are so good with their words and their thoughts that they are capable of making you believe what they say, that are capable of sounding right all the time
im so susceptible to them, they take over my mind so easily and convince me that they are right
it sickens me every time i get away from it that i'm so incapable of holding my own in a conversation
i stutter, i back down, ans end up just agreeing with everything
is it because I want them to be happy and nice to me? is it because I'm scared? or do I just feel like I'm less of a person?
I used to be able to manipulate with the best of them
I just back down now and walk away
It's so pitiful
I dont know whether to be disappointed in myself for my lack of a backbone
or proud because I don't feel the need to manipulate others for my own purposes
I remember that I used to have fun doing that

i am so tired of sitting in an office
the past month has really made me realize that an office is never, ever, ever going to be where i want to spend my days

today is a winding road thats taking me to places that i didn't want to go

every now and then i realize that im at art school
i still feel like im at sleepaway camp pr whatever, but im not
i like it alot, even better i probably love it
its just hard getting used to not being able to see my family whenever i want to
i've gone from living within a mile of all the main parts of my family to living four or five hours away from all of them

i guess its not like i've always liked them that much (at all)
maybe its more of a culture shock but in a family way

they're there all the time, when you want them and mostly when you don't

SUDDENLY

they're not

also
i hate to put too much of my romantic relationships on here, but whatever
i hate that i've gone from being able to spend the majority of my time with ian, and seeing him everyday, to seeing him for a couple of days every two weeks
its not that i can't handle life without him
its more the fact that i've still got ties to somewhere else besides where i am, and that i miss him at the same time


also
i've developed this really embarassing habit of listening to boys like girls
i fought it and i fought it
but today i realized...their songs all about being young, being in love, and staying that way
which is, of course, the way all pop songs are and i dont know what it is about these ones, but they connect with me

because there are few thing that i want more right now than staying young

Factory girl

i ask my self this all the time
not in a morbid way, just curious
i guess wondering what people will say about me when i die is sort of self centered,--in theory, i shouldn't worry about what other people say period. but some things are easier said than done
and maybe it is a bit morbid







i think i would like to change the world

hi again

well now having done my math project and facing an entire week of school
i am no longer so optimistic about my relationships with others,
in fact, now im going to be honest with myself,
sure having an emotional connection with people is way better when unfettered with physical complications
thats great and i do really enjoy it
but here's the honest part:
honestly, i can only emotionally connect with maybe 4 people, and maybe thats all i need,
but i dont want to pretend like i have an emotional relationship with alot of people
i love those people that i have that relationship with
i would give them the world if i could
but i cant, so i give them what i can
my emotions, which mean the world to me
my emotions are a part of my definition
they provide insight into marianna
for you that have my emotions:
i love you, and this is how i try to tell you

as for the physical aspect of my life?
(because im a relatively physical person)
who knows what i'll do
continue to thank god for college boys fond of the phenomenon known as a booty call?
no
i suppose only time will tell
i think i'll survive, no worries, there are other things more important

hi there

well
right now i'm really enjoying having emotional relationships with people, its like being on a different level, theres no physical bullshit that can mess with everything and cloud your mind
but
its spring,and i think miss having someone to hold hands with
more than that im anxious to get out of here
to go to school and learn things that interest me
to go new places and see new things and new people that i haven't seen everyday for the past couple of years
other than that i had a fantastice time in new york, i got to see rent again and it was really cool, but in no way measured up to the color purple - which was beautiful

thats all

having an art show

well, today, the art teachers at spartan high cancelleed the individual senior art shows
i am extremely miffed

well, beyond miffed, i was trying to make a joke there, because i dont know what else to do, i want to be apathetic and cry at the same time

they decided to have one large art show with three pieces of each artit's work in it
if there are about six 3-d senior art students
and there are seven 2-d senior art students

(6 x 3) + (7 x 3) = 39

thats about 39 piececs crowded into the one tiny gallery at spartan high meant to hold about 24 pieces
who is going to be able to focus on any one artist?

now, the reasoning behind this cancellation is perfectly understandable-- nobody has finished enough pieces to hold their own individual show
i can accept that, it makes sense enough
there is, however, one small issue with that
i have enough pieces to have my own show
i worked hard all year towards the goal of my senior show
i worried more about that than i worried about the ap exam

you see, the show was a final way to prove to my mother that i deserved to go to art school, to prove that art is what i really love,
an art show with MY name on it, with all MY work in it i think would make her proud

it would be more than winning a prize,
it would be more than getting good grades
it would be more than being responsible, having a job
i would have finally accomplished something that i could be proud of with my family

oddest week
i went spiraling into this ridiculous depression for several days
borderline suicidal depression, i was mean to my friends
i cried in art class, i laughed while crying
i didn't want to go to school, i didn't want to paint, i didn't want to see my friends
i didn't want to eat,
i didn't want to do anything
i seriously thought about going back to therapy
i'm still seriously thinking about going back to therapy, unless i stay better
but i really thought i was going crazy for a few days, i've never been that bad
i guess i just need to wait it out, see what happens