lonely

i've been so alone this summer, more than i have ever been
and its been miserable-
charlotte's at camp, and its weird how much i miss since i've been at school she's been one of my best friends, just cause we've beeen through alot together i guess but haveing her gone has sucked because not one person in this world makes me laugh harder.
benjamin's just in this stage of his life were i want to be there for him but i don't think he's doing the right things but i can't say
my dad just had a new baby with his wife- which is fine, i'm happy for them and i love the shit out of that little baby, but...
everyone knows what happens when there's a new baby everything else gets ignored. I'd be ok except all my friends are just not here so i normally hang out with my dad, but its hard to hang out with someone who's wife wants him to hang out with her little girl.
its also kind of lonely to not be able to talk to my mom. i tried so hard to have the right kind of relationship with her, i want a mom so bad, but a relationship is based on compromise, and i'm too old to have an 11:00 curfew just because she doesn't want to wait up for me any later than that. i'm not a huge partier. at all. i drink with my family more than anyone else. i'm not a bad kid either.
on the bright side of all this being alone- while my dad is at the beach with christine and ella and i'm at home with the dog and my pot- i've bonded a great deal with petey(dog) ad seen alot of movies.
I never realized how much i depend on people for companionship. I mean, i've always known i liked people and i liked to be around people i like, but i always thought i needed my alone time, clearly there's a limit to alone time, because i think i talk to myself more than anyone these days.
i dont know if this is just a bitch fest because i do have to admit there is a certain safety in being alone, i dont have to worry about saying the wrong thing because petey will love me if i just give him the last bite of my frozen mini corndogs. there are no social gaffs when you're alone and no one judges you except yourself. so why is it so hard somedays?
it scares me that i might not be good with my friends when i go back to school- do i even know how to talk to somebody thats not me or a dog now? sure i do, but.... theres always the what-if

gross

ugh my roommate truly disgusts me

This weekend for the first time ALL YEAR she cleaned the bathroom
I dont know what possessed her to do this-- she left it up to me the rest of the time
When I got back today and realized that she had cleaned I was surprised, impressed

but now shes just laying in her bed skipping her class...because she has period cramps
now I could understand this I've had some bad ones, but there's plenty of advil in the room, and she wouldn't be dealing with her period if she wasn't too lazy to TAKE HER BIRTH CONTROL
yes. she has at least six months worth of birth control pills- the kind that make you have three day periods
but she just doesn't feeling like getting up from in front of her computer to walk the 7 ft to the sink to take one tiny damn pill once a day.
pisses me off
because now-our bathroom is going to reek- I know it is because last month I almost threw up when I went to take out the trash
I think she lacks the taking the trash out part of the brain
and Im going to have to listen to her moan and whine while she takes all of my advil again
she also always seems to want t talk about how sucky her life is around this time of the month



Dear God,
Please let liz live with someone someday who has the courage and strength of mind to punch her in the face.

those days

oh man
you know those days when it feels like the world is after you?
today.
today.
it was a "just can't do anything right" + a little bit of the flu + really nasty dinner that left me strangely nauseated
day
uhhhh
there are these people in the world
these people that are so good with their words and their thoughts that they are capable of making you believe what they say, that are capable of sounding right all the time
im so susceptible to them, they take over my mind so easily and convince me that they are right
it sickens me every time i get away from it that i'm so incapable of holding my own in a conversation
i stutter, i back down, ans end up just agreeing with everything
is it because I want them to be happy and nice to me? is it because I'm scared? or do I just feel like I'm less of a person?
I used to be able to manipulate with the best of them
I just back down now and walk away
It's so pitiful
I dont know whether to be disappointed in myself for my lack of a backbone
or proud because I don't feel the need to manipulate others for my own purposes
I remember that I used to have fun doing that